At 3 AM, I’m tossing and turning.
I try to push A.’s hurtful message out of my mind, so I can fall asleep again.
But it doesn’t work. My body tenses up, and I’m getting fed up with myself.
Why can’t I let go?
Stop thinking about this!
Why does this message hurt me so much?
This way I’ll never fall back asleep again!
As I feel the frustration racing through my veins, my mindfulness training kicks in. I realize that pushing my thoughts away only makes the message bounce around more aggressively.
Sound familiar?
A quick experiment
In his excellent book The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking, Oliver Burkeman describes the White Bear Challenge. Are you up for it?
It’s simple: try not to think of a white bear for a whole minute. Go ahead, set a stopwatch and see how long you can go without thinking of a white bear. I’ll wait here for you.
And?
Don’t despair. No one can do this. As Burkeman suggests:
The white bear challenge, after all, seems like a metaphor for much of what goes wrong in life: all too often, the outcome we’re seeking to avoid is exactly the one to which we seem magnetically lured.
Of course, it’s what happened when I was tossing and turning at 3 AM. A.’s message got stuck in my mind precisely because I resisted it.
The harder we try to let go, the less able we are to let our thoughts or feelings drift away.
How to let go in 3 steps
Mindfulness teaches us a counter-intuitive approach:
- Let it come: Instead of trying to push a message away, let it come closer to you—welcome it.
- Let it be: Observe your thoughts and notice the sensations that your emotions cause in your body.
- Let it go: We can’t make thoughts go away and we can’t push feelings and emotions away. But we can acknowledge the impermanence of our thoughts and feelings, and let them drift away.
The last step follows naturally when you let your thoughts and feelings be.
So, what happened that night?
I stopped pushing the message away, and I felt it crawling closer to me. I noticed the hurt nestling in my chest, I felt the tension in my lower jaw, I observed my psoas muscle getting prickly.
While I observed the tension in my body, I naturally started to relax. The ugly message drifted away, and I fell back asleep.
Your inner critic can quieten, too
When writing, I used to fight with my inner critic.
And when that didn’t work, I tried to ignore her.
Both approaches are exhausting and my inner critic kept turning up, combative and fierce.
So, I learned to get closer to my inner critic. I observed her nasty remarks, such as: you’re useless, you’re such a sissy, this is going to be a crappy blog post. I could feel my fears vibrating in my body, and I realized my inner critic was a little me who was scared of messing up and making a fool of herself. I learned to be gentle to her and she doesn’t distract me so much anymore.
The approach to letting go is the same, no matter whether it’s negative self-talk or messages from others that hurt you: Don’t fight. Don’t ignore. Instead, let it come, let it be, and then let it go.
Of course, getting rid of nasty feelings and thoughts isn’t always that easy. Some images and messages come back to haunt us time and again. They’ve nestled themselves in our body over time.
From a young age, I learned to keep my chin up
I was sickly as a child, but I ignored the pain as much as possible because I was told to be strong.
In an inspirational interview, psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk calls Western society “astoundingly disembodied and uniquely so.”
We may be good at compartmentalizing and locking away our hurt for many years, but our bodies remember, and when we ignore our feelings, we create a disconnect between our body and our mind. Our bodies know, even when our mind refuses to care.
After suffering a traumatic injury, my chin-up approach failed spectacularly. My mind became so disconnected from my body that I felt unsafe in my own skin, and I didn’t trust my mind to take care of my body.
Sometimes I’d wake up not feeling my body, as if it didn’t exist. At other times, my mind would free itself from the pain, abandoning my body to roam around freely. But that sense of freedom was a scam. I was fooling myself, and creating more havoc in my body.
We all carry hurt from the past in our bodies
Whether small or big, emotional pain stays with us.
Practicing mindfulness meditation helps to acknowledge such hurt and become more compassionate to yourself.
I practice my observation skills, and stop being an eternal analyst. An analyst is preoccupied with Why questions, like: Why do I hurt so much? Why me? Why can’t I get over this?
In his book Insight, Tasha Eurich writes that Why questions trigger rumination and a feeling of powerlessness as we dig into the past and wonder why our life turned out in a certain way.
Mindfulness teaches us to focus on the What instead:
- What thoughts are coming up in our minds?
- What emotions are we experiencing?
- What sensations do you feel in your body?
When a Why question is haunting me, a feeling is usually hiding behind it, such as confusion, sadness, or even loneliness. Becoming aware of this feeling helps to let it pass and the importance of understanding the Why shrinks.
As I learn to connect with my emotions and feelings, I can co-exist with my pain, and I can let the tension in my body ease. I can let the past be the past, and be more present with what’s happening right now.
Slowly, I become whole and safe again so I can take care of my body and heal.
No life hack exists
Sometimes, I still look for a simple answer, as if a quick fix to health and happiness exists.
But there’s only a process.
A process of listening to our bodies, our hearts, our souls. A process of healing.
An invitation to be here, right now. Not in the past. Not in the future. But here, in this moment.
Thank you for reading.
Be gentle with yourself, my friend.
Be kind.
Want to write with more ease and joy, too? Check out the Write It, Don’t Fight It course. Get the full details and read reviews here.
Books mentioned in this post:
- The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking
by Oliver Burkeman—highly recommended
- Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think
by Tasha Eurich—recommended
- The Great Spring: Writing, Zen, and This Zigzag Life
by Natalie Goldberg—recommended
by Oliver Burkeman—highly recommended
by Tasha Eurich—recommended
by Natalie Goldberg—recommendedRecommended reading on inner peace for writers:
How I made peace with my inner critic
Mindfulness for writers: Write with ease and joy
Being vs doing: The peculiar art of getting unstuck
Thanks, Henneke!
It made me imagine that we can’t change the experience we had previously yet we can change our disposition toward it – acknowledge it, find smth great in it and be grateful that those occasions occurred. As all that occurs in our life is for us to make us more grounded and better than anyone might have expected. Everything has its explanation and we want to see it. What’s more, when we see the explanation and observe good things in each second regardless of whether it is disagreeable we feel cheerful consistently.
Yes, that’s so true: we can’t change what’s happening but we can change how we react to it. Victor Frankl describes it beautifully in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. I love this quote from him: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Thanks so much I needed that tonight. My plate is so overloaded that I cannot think.
Sending you a hug, Roxsane ❤️
This! Yes.
Your words and example continue to inspire. And, Henrietta grows more and more lovely. Thank you for sharing your beautiful gifts. ?
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Karin. I appreciate you.?
Absolutely love it!
This always happens to me, overthinking and lack of sleep. Thank you very much for your inspiring words. I will definitely keep this in mind. <3
You’re not the only one. I hope this mindfulness tip will help you sleep better, too. Thank you for stopping by, Khloe. I appreciate it.
what a beautiful post!
what inspirational words!
You are so kind and compassionate.
I feel your soul are coming closer to me.
I feel I know you very well.
You are amazing and I can’t let a day pass without a quick look on your blog.
please don’t stop writing. people like you existed to pat on our shoulders.
And I think if one day I would have a blog, you know it will be down to you.
Wow, Rahma, what a lovely comment.
I’m so glad you found my blog and that you feel inspired by it.
I hope that you’ll soon launch a blog! 🙂
Brilliant and wise
Thank you, Shirley
This is beautiful Henneke thank you. And your illustrations just get better and better.
Thank you so much, Gill. I appreciate your comment.
As always Henneke you have the power to enchant me with your powerful and useful articles.
Thanks a lot for your beautiful messages.
Greetings from Spain 🙂
Pd.- Have you any article where you show how to make the images or pictures as you do?, are awesome!
Thank you for your compliment, Otto 🙂
I have written about how I draw Henrietta and how I come up with ideas for drawings here: https://www.enchantingmarketing.com/blog-images/
Enjoy!
🙂 Thanks a lot Dear!
Thank you, Henneke, for another marvelous post!
It made me think that
we cannot change the experience we had before but we can change our attitude toward it – accept it, find smth good in it and be thankful that those events took place. As everything that happens in our life is for us to make us stronger and better than before. Everything has its reason and we need to see it. And when we see the reason and find positive things in every moment even if it is unpleasant we feel happy every day.
And belief in yourself – I can do everything! I am the owner of my life!
Thank you!
P.S. the drawings make your post shine. I admire them and read the text with pleasure.
Yes, this is so true. We cannot change the experience but we can change our attitude. And we can even look for the positive things in life and be grateful, as long as we don’t use this as a strategy to ignore the pain (physical or emotional). The pleasant and the unpleasant can co-exist.
Thank you for your wise comment, Nadiia. I appreciate it.
Awesome article, Henneke! Thanks for the feeling of mindfulness and safety you’ve given to me through the power of words… and pics. That’s what I need right at the moment.
I love that you get a sense of mindfulness and safety from reading this. That gives me joy. Thank you.
You are so awesome Henneke, thank you so much for your continued inspiration.
Thank you so much, Tyrone. I appreciate your comment.
I am glad that helps for you!
Some bad things are so bad, you can only acknowledge them. I try to do it with climate change. Pretty hard not to let it get you depressed.
Yes, some bad things are so bad, you can only acknowledge them and co-exist. The climate crisis. The rising inequality and poverty. The radicalization of society. These are of course different from a hurtful message. We can’t let them drift away.
I’ve found that I deal with it in a similar way as with pain. I can’t let the pain drift away just like I can’t let the climate crisis drift away. But I observe the emotions that are triggered by the pain, so slowly the pain becomes just pain without the suffering. It’s not that easy of course, but I can see I’m making progress. And in the same way, I can observe the emotions triggered by Brexit or the climate crisis. It’s not easy, but I can see a big difference between how I react now compared to two years ago.
I love this post so much. I’ve suffered grave consequences of using the chin-up approach. With chronic illness it’s much too easy to ignore all the noise and pain and discomfort my body is making. But my writing suffered from it. It cut me off completely from my subconscious mind. And without this effective inner resource my ideas were unoriginal (a hayday for my inner critic!), my words got stuck inside my head and eventually I started believing that I just sucked at writing. Today I do 2-3 body scan meditations to feel my body and relax my mind. It has made me a better and more effective writer (and I’ve finally finished my short story!). Thanks again for an inspiring read 🙂
Chronic pain leads to exhaustion and that fuels my anxiety making it harder to write for me, too. Learning to meditate helps break through that cycle so I can co-exist with the pain. When I can detach the emotions from the pain, the pain also feels less fierce and I don’t feel so powerless anymore.
I’m glad that the meditation is working for you, too!
Hi Henneke,
Since I started receiving email topics from you, I’ve been fascinated much and eager to learn more. I’m a newbie in writing, scratching surfaces yet. Would want to improve. Be anticipating for more treasures of learning from you. Thank you much and more power!
Thank you so much for stopping by, Mhan. I was once a newbie to writing, too, and only started learning how to write in my early 40s. I’m so glad I did because writing has changed my life.
Hi Henneke,
I am a new reader and have been reading your blog for a few months now. Your work and your drawings are inspiring, thoughtful and enchanting. I was burnt out at work too and found I had nothing to add, so I quit (or retired as some might say). I am working on my site now. In today’s post you have so succinctly written what I usually write in my diary. You showed me today how actually I should tell personal stories. Thank you.
PS. I am also learning to draw by looking at your drawings. Thanks for those too.
Hi Neera
I used to be very reluctant about sharing personal stories but writing a regular blog has made me more open, thanks to the encouragement of readers. I’ve found that personal stories really help connect (and sometimes it’s quite therapeutic for me, too).
Thank you for your lovely comment.
We practice mindfulness and deep breathing in chair yoga class, and it really works! You can do mini sessions at your desk or while you’re watching TV. When I find myself stressing with shallow breathing and heart pounding, I do the 5-5-5 (inhale, hold, exhale) breathing method. I love your “let the thought come” method. Sure beats a pill! Thanks for the share, Henneke. 🙂
I also do my meditation just sitting on my chair. Unfortunately, the breathing methods don’t work for me but fortunately there are many different ways to meditate. And I’m glad it’s working for you, too!
“I am learning to chase less and live more in the moment” got me. Thank you for the inspiration Henneke
I’m glad you found it helpful. Thank you for your comment, Fatima.
What an inspiring blog post. Thanks and I will check up on the books.
Thank you, Patricia. I especially recommend Burkeman’s book.
I absolutely loved the drawings telling the story, they added wonderful extra charm to a very necessary aspect of writing (and running your own business). Hope your health is better?
I had quite a few health setbacks this year, but I seem finally on a better run. Thank you for asking, and for your lovely comment! ?
Hopefully sunshine and summer foods will help you heal faster. I appreciate the effort that you are doing to keep up with writing and social media. I really enjoyed this different article, good job!
Yes, sunshine always helps.☀️
I love writing and drawing. It makes me feel alive, so it’s very important to keep it up for me and to keep in touch with people like you, too.
I hope that I am not the “A” who upset you as I am one of your biggest fans. 🙂
The post is spectacular and I love the drawings. Your artistic growth is shining through.
No, no, it couldn’t be you!
My ability to put my thoughts into drawings (and a few words) seems to have suddenly grown this year, and I’m enjoying it very much.
Thank you for all your support, Anita. ?
Thank you so much.
Its true being happy is what matters.
Or at least find the tranquility to deal with the turmoil in our lives.
Henneke,
Thank you so much for this post! I have been following your emails for a while, but this one hit me in the heart. I have suddenly ‘burnt out’ at my job and career this week, with stress seemingly taking control of my body and mind. It is hard to imagine continuing on this beaten path.
This 3 step process you speak of will definitely help me now and I intend to embrace it!
I am going to continue to write for fun, but maybe a caeer change would be good for me, now that I have realized how important it is to be present.
Sincerely,
Gina Renee
Hi Gina,
It was also written from the heart!
I’m so sorry you’re feeling burnt out. I’ve found that when I’m overwhelmed, it’s sometimes too much to let emotions come to me. So, instead, I stay at the edge of my emotions. I don’t fight them. I just about acknowledge them and let them be.
I hope you’ll feel better soon. ?
Henneke, what a beautiful post. I loved it. I’m suffering a bit of depression today. I can do nothing all day. I foolishly accepted a writing assignment in a niche in which I have absolutely no knowledge. The client was extremely unhappy with the results. One assignment was accepted because it was, after all, in my area (product reviews, literature) and the other two, which were technical writing, have been rejected. After all those hours of work. I want to curl up and disappear. Not die, I’m not the suicidal type. But It’s hard to put one foot in front of another today. I’m devastated. Your post has given me some lovely hope. I guess I should accept I’m not cut out for technical writing. I guess I foolishly thought if I did enough research….anyway, let it come, let it be, let it go….yes, I’ll take that. Thanks and hugs. Maria
I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult experience. I find that when I’m in a difficult mood, I try not to fight my negative feelings but simply to acknowledge them (like the 3 steps) and do something that nurtures my soul—like walking in the woods, listening to feel-good music (not sad music!) or going out for a walk in the woods or a bike ride.
I hope you’ll feel better soon! ?
The power of a made-up mind is phenomenally strong – whether you think you can or think you can’t — you’re right. However, as Henneke attests, the ‘can’t’ can be changed. The struggle is real those mental boulders exist. Yet watching the struggle lead to a path with light butterflies and flowers encourages the journey. Appreciating the flowers and butterflies that are there, patiently waiting for my notice. I turned 69 yesterday – still on my journey, still learning. Thank you for sharing so freely and beautifully of your journey Henneke.
Congratulations on your 69th birthday, JoAnne! A wise soul and a young heart 🙂
Thank you for your beautiful comment.
WoW, Henneke ! Thanks! I’m gonna try those techniques ! I love how you were being real and relating that all back to writing. Those were some helpful ideas which I’ve never heard before. Usually, I have found relief from my thoughts by replacing lies with a beautiful truth. But I too, know the feeling of eternally chasing. Sometimes it’s good, because it helps motivate me. But a lot of times I just need a break for my soul…Don’t you?
Your beautiful butterfly was a potent symbol of that feeling. It makes me want to draw a similar butterfly ?, frame it, and hang it up near my writing desk. I enjoy your work so much, Henneke. And I’m taking your « Write It, Don’t Fight It » course very soon. I can hardly wait!
Yes, my soul needs a break sometimes, too. And coloring those butterflies was a nice way to nurture my soul.
I find that many of the issues we have with our inner critic or negative self-talk in life, play out in similar ways when writing. So anything I can do to tiptoe towards inner peace in my life benefits my writing, too. And vice versa. Some tricks I learned from writing, and then applied to other things in life.
Happy writing, Amanda, and I hope you’ll enjoy the course (in due time). Let me know?
Hi Henneke:
LOVE this post! Your illustrations are precious and so real. Your words capture what to do that helps and inspire hope.
I’m sharing it on my Facebook Page, Moms of Young Adults with Autism. I wonder if we taught our young adults with autism how to feel their feelings if it would help them better manage the anxiety that comes with the condition.
Thank you from my heart.
By the way, yours is the only marketing email I DON’T filter immediately.
Thank you so much for your beautiful compliment, Lynn.
I’ve certainly found that mindfulness helps manage anxiety. But I don’t know how it works with autism.
Thank you for reading, for commenting, and sharing ?
It is right to feel bad about the un-fun things.
However remembering the good is essential to life. Remembering that good always prevails is key to overcoming the bad.
Actually finding the good, however, can be tricky. Sometimes the seeming bad things are small and are working together in a much larger picture, to produce a greater good. Sometimes we never do see the good but others, who come after us, see it and are delighted and thankful.
I love to look for the good that will come, to anticipate it and even to feel a tad smug in knowing it will be there, waiting to be discovered. It may be a long time in coming, but good is always the end result.
The calm trust that good is always there is a great help to this westerner at 2am.
Yes, I believe still that good things will come, and I believe in the goodness of people, too. Even when people hurt me, it’s often because they’re suffering themselves.
Thank you for your uplifting message, Katharine.
This is a little different from your usual blogs. I’ll bookmark it come back to it when I can’t sleep for similar reasons.
Yes, it’s a bit different. I’ve learned that helping people to enjoy their writing is about more than teaching writing techniques.
Hi Henneke!
It’s always such a pleasure to read you! You are more than just a writing coach. Everyday, when I open my emails and see one of yours, it’s always such a good feeling. I’m not only reading your emails, I’m forwarding them to my daughter and friends to share your insights and knowledge about life. Thank you so much, although I don’t know you personally, I feel as if you were a really good friend to me.
Thank you again,
I also feel like I’m among friends here on my blog. It feels like such a warm community. I never write as if I’m writing to an anonymous list of subscribers, I always write for a friend 🙂
Thank you so much for your lovely comment and for sharing my posts, Liliana.
THIS changed my day today, thank you.
That gives me joy, Tristan. Thank you.
Hi Henneke
I’m back to reading your blog regularly after my busy season, and it is bringing such joy ?. Thank you for your consistent work, it gives me lots to read and digest right now.
I saw some of your cartoons for this post on Instagram yesterday and commented there — and I actually tried the ’embrace’ approach when my mind woke me last night. My thoughts were mainly a To Do list, so it didn’t work out 100% (I should have simply written them down in the notebook I keep beside my bed!).
However, your post today contains much more detail, and I’m going to keep trying… letting the disturbing thoughts come close, observing the feelings in my body, letting them go.
Thank you. Your journey and musings still inspire me.
It’s so good to have you back, Alison 🙂
I’ve been practicing a “shut-down ritual” for at least a year now, probably longer, and it helps a lot to let go of the to-do list. When I shut down my computer (at least an hour before bed time), I review the day and write down my priorities for the next day (and anything else that comes to mind on another list). For me, it works best to do this on a piece of paper rather than digitally. I use one sheet per week. Once I’ve written the list, I tell myself I’m done for the day. It’s time to let go.
Keeping my to-do list as short as possible also helps a lot. If I have time over, I can choose to do some other tasks.