I wondered why.
Why does editing take so much longer when I’m writing a personal story?
Some people seem to write about themselves effortlessly.
But I find it much easier to share writing tips than to tell a personal story.
Is it because I’m introverted or shy? Because I’m still nervous about sharing my vulnerabilities, my human flaws?
That no doubt plays a role, but I also find that a draft personal story is often disjointed and rambling on endlessly. Editing can feel like a daunting, even an impossible task.
How we can make writing our own stories easier? And how can we make such stories more engaging?
1. Find focus to write your story
I recently read Olivia Laing’s book The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone, an extraordinary account of her loneliness when she moved from the UK to New York.
The biggest storytelling lesson from her book is perhaps its focus.
This is not a memoir in which she shares her whole life, from cradle to now. Instead, she focuses on one period of her life and on one theme: how she found herself being lonely and how she learned to cope with her loneliness.
Laing investigates what loneliness is. How do other people cope? What do experts say about the sources of loneliness and its cures? How does loneliness manifest itself? She recognizes her own loneliness in art:
I looked like a woman in a Hopper painting. The girl in Automat, maybe, in a cloche hat and green coat, gazing into a cup of coffee, the window behind her reflecting two rows of lights, swimming into blackness. Or the one in Morning Sun, who sits on her bed, hair twisted into a messy bun, gazing through her window at the city beyond. A pretty morning, light washing the walls, but nonetheless something desolate about her eyes and jaw, her slim wrists crossed over her legs. I often sat just like that, adrift in rumpled sheets, trying not to feel, trying simply to take consecutive breaths.
A blog post is relatively short, so even more than in a book, it’s important to find focus. What’s the problem you encountered? How did you learn to deal with that problem?
Often, when I write a blog post about myself, the purpose is initially fuzzy. In a first draft, the purpose is buried somewhere halfway. It’s as if the first paragraphs were only a warming up exercise, and when I cross out these paragraphs, I can reshape the article, cut the rambling and focus on one issue.
A good story has a clear purpose, so readers feel engaged and want to read on. If you’re clear on your purpose before you start writing, you can tell your story faster. However, if your purpose remains fuzzy, try writing a “discovery draft” to reveal it. The writing process can help you discover what you want to say, and to make sense of your story (and your life).
3 visual thinking tips to create focus in your writing
2. Make readers feel what you feel
Readers can only grasp the intensity of your story when you translate feelings into action and vivid imagery.
Laing starts her book with this visual description of feeling disconnected while being surrounded by people:
Imagine standing by a window at night, on the sixth or seventeenth or forty-third floor of a building. The city reveals itself as a set of cells, a hundred thousand windows, some darkened and some flooded with green or white or golden light. Inside, strangers swim to and fro, attending to the business of their private hours. You can see them, but you can’t reach them, and so this commonplace urban phenomenon, available in any city of the world on any night, conveys to even the most social a tremor of loneliness, its uneasy combination of separation and exposure. You can be lonely anywhere, but there is a particular flavour to the loneliness that comes from living in a city, surrounded by millions of people.
Laing’s loneliness becomes more poignant when she describes how daily interactions reinforce the feeling of separateness. Here’s what happens when she tries ordering coffee in her local café:
I ordered the nearest thing to filter on the menu: a medium urn brew, which was written in large chalk letters on the board. Each time, without fail, the barista looked mystified and asked me to repeat myself. I might have found it funny in England, or irritating, or I might not have noticed it at all, but that autumn it worked under my skin, depositing little grains of anxiety and shame.
In your draft story, look for abstract feelings like I felt lonely, sad, or happy. Then think about painting a vivid scene that expresses that feeling. Help readers experience your feelings with you.
9 inspirational examples of “show, don’t tell”
3. The main point is the lesson
The point of a story is not so much what your problem is, but what the lesson is.
As a blogger, I like being a problem solver, to show you exactly how I solve this or that, so you can solve the same issues, too. But, of course, not every problem in life can be solved, and sometimes the main lesson in our writing is how we learn to cope.
Laing discusses how she gets through the worst moments of loneliness:
Sometimes, all you need is permission to feel. Sometimes, what causes the most pain is actually the attempt to resist feeling, or the shame that grows up like thorns around it. During my lowest period in New York, almost the only thing I found consoling was watching music videos on YouTube, curled on the sofa with my headphones on, listening again and again to the same voices finding the register for their distress.
As a reader, I find a how-to book or blog post rather boring. I want to get to know the author. I like learning what life is like for them. I want to find comfort in our common struggles, and I love to understand how an author navigated tricky situations, how they made decisions, how they learned to cope with whatever life has thrown at them.
It’s the human connection that makes a how-to more interesting.
How to write about yourself
4. Zoom out for the bigger picture
You know the adage “show, don’t tell?”
It’s actually not true that you always have to show, and never should tell.
“Telling” is useful to whiz through the less interesting parts of a story and to share the bigger picture, to explain how one story is connected to a trend or common experience.
In her book, Laing shares her personal story as well as the stories of lonely artists like Edward Hopper and Andy Warhol. She describes how each of them found ways to cope with their loneliness, and she zooms out to comment:
[Art has] some extraordinary functions, some odd negotiating ability between people, including people who never meet and yet who infiltrate and enrich each other’s lives. It does have a capacity to create intimacy; it does have a way of healing wounds, and better yet of making it apparent that not all wounds need healing and not all scars are ugly.
And she concludes:
Loneliness is collective; it is a city. As to how to inhabit it, there are no rules and nor is there any need to feel shame, only to remember that the pursuit of individual happiness does not trump or excuse our obligations to each another. We are in this together, this accumulation of scars, this world of objects, this physical and temporary heaven that so often takes on the countenance of hell. What matters is kindness; what matters is solidarity.
Zooming out is like summarizing a key lesson of your story. But this abstract lesson makes more sense if you’ve zoomed in to let readers experience one story first.
Write your story
In content marketing, we learn how to help our readers, to offer our advice so we can build our authority, get found in Google, and grow our business.
But the web is chockablock with useful tips, and, as a solo-blogger, it can feel hard to compete with the big blogs.
The way to stand out is by being more personal, by weaving a thread of your own story into your tapestry of tips.
That’s how you’ll make friends with your readers.
Book mentioned in this post:
by Olivia Laing (Amazon affiliate link)Recommended reading on how to write your story:
8 storytelling techniques to captivate a business audience
How to write an inspirational business story
How to write a memorable story
I came to find tips to help my grief group. We all lost our only child. We’re attempting to each write one chapter and put it together to make a single book. There are no resources out there for us as we each found when it happened to us and we ordered every grief book on the internet. But we aren’t writers so we’re trying to figure out how to do it. Your tips are very helpful, thank you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Bev. But what a wonderful project. I’m glad you’re finding my tips helpful.
In the early 1990s (I’m 70 now), I did a lot of training. There was no internet yet so it was in person training 🙂 At the end of each session there was an evaluation to complete. My informal analysis of things like style, content etc suggested that 85% of the participants liked my style and 15% didn’t.
My style was and still is to use a personal anecdote or story from my life to illustrate the point I was teaching. I guess I was ahead of my time!!
Yes, you were! Using personal anecdotes is such an effective way to connect with your audience.
Oh My Gosh! I loved the book The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone! I wish I could read it again for the first time.
It was one of my favorite reads last year!
I love your content! I believe that the most effective content marketing strategies will always involve a personal touch. Making your content more personal can be a great way to build online relationship with your prospective clients, helping you bring your content to the next level and stand out.
Yes, that’s exactly my experience, too. Happy content marketing, Adam. And thank you for stopping by.
Hey Henneke,
Loving your content as always!
For point three, you mention that you enjoy finding out about the author over just a plain old blog post. I can understand where you’re coming from, but sometimes the post cant be personalised (eg. heavy fact-oriented posts). What would you suggest in that situation? Or is that situation an exception?
Hi George, there are always exceptions and when people are searching on Google for facts and land on your article, then they’d expect to read facts. I just find that over time, if you want to build a relationship with your audience and get them to get back to your blog again and again, it pays to get a little more personal.
Hey Henneke,
This is great to how you have explained about to something as creating long and storyful content.
It’s amazing to read your helpful post and that for sharing this post and inspiring us.
Thank you, Suraj!
This was so helpful. As someone who was originally trained to write in the passive voice, it was a big leap for me to begin using “I” in my writing. Learning how to weave in personal anecdotes and observations has been a long journey. I have considered the possibility of writing a memoir but always dismissed it as too self centered. Your first point about finding your focus really stood out for me as a way forward. With a focus and a purpose for writing about my own experiences, it could feel like a service rather than a self indulgence. Thanks so much!
I love how you formulate this: “With a focus and a purpose for writing about my own experiences, it could feel like a service rather than a self indulgence.” I worry about being self-indulgent, too. I have to be careful that I don’t let that fear hold me back, and it’s exactly what you say—seeing the writing as a service is how to get around it. Olivia Laing does it expertly in her book (also because she tells the story of many others).
Thank you for stopping by, Deborah!
I love your content. It’s always fun and informative. I follow you on Twitter and am also getting your emails. Calling your writing tips “snacks” is brilliant.
Thank you so much for your lovely compliment, Ann.
On a rainy day, your comment put a smile on my face. Happy writing!
Such a great post Henneke! Seeing theory in real texts makes every part click in place.
Only you can analyze texts this way. Bravo! —yet again.
Marisa
It’s one of the things I love so much about reading—it gives me an opportunity to study other people’s writing and learn from them.
Thank you for stopping by, Marisa. Good to see you!
Feeling utterly alone in a happy crowd is a feeling I’ve experienced more than once, Henneke. I often feel like I don’t fit in. For one thing, I am super enthusiastic and it seems to not be acceptable among my peers…as we age must we be so serious, critical of others, and somber? Maybe my happy and positive enthusiasm in life conflicts with folks who are feeling stressed or unhappy themselves. I’m not sure, and am always questioning myself, wondering what is wrong with me?
Eventually I realized the best thing for me is to follow my light, create and write with joy, and move forward in my usual love-first spirit and sorry if anyone doesn’t appreciate me for who I am. I have always done my own thing anyway so why does it bother me now if people don’t get me? Maybe age makes you more sensitive or less confident as your body betrays you or life’s hard parts stack up on your soul. If you let these feelings weigh on your chest, you may smother yourself—or worse, let others snuff out your light.
Anyway, fears to reveal yourself are real if you are a human I suppose. One thing about my writing and myself that was so inspiring…when my writing colleague, Sharon Hurley Hall and I started communicating via video in conjunction with her mentorship program, she told me that she was so surprised that how I write is really how I am…it’s not just a writing “voice” but more authentic me is how I took her remark. I am still riding high on that compliment thinking that without necessarily writing about me, me still somehow shines through. Awesome, right?
Lately, I’m taking tiny steps to show more me and not just keep my all business self out front! I did a freakin video interview recently…crazy and completely uncomfortable! Still, revealing your own stories (hilarious though many of mine are!!) are stuck deeply and slow surfacing, let alone coming out!
Thank goodness I have Henrietta (my lovely mug collection) by my side to cheer my often-alone-creating self along! Thanks, Henneke, for always writing relevant whoppers with just the right words!!
P.S. they can chase you but never catch you on your own unique shining star… xo
You’ve just written a lot about yourself in this comment!
Yes, I know how it feels to be the odd one out in a crowd. My strategy in recent years has been to look for the people who appreciate me for who I am and to ignore the people I don’t feel at home with as much as possible. Of course, it’s not always possible, but having more people around me who lift me up makes a big difference.
Keep being you, Sue-Ann. I love your last point: “they can chase you but never catch you on your own unique shining star.” I’ll try to remember that!
Thank you.
You’re welcome 🙂
“It’s not the problem that’s the problem that’s the problem. It’s your attitude towards the problem that’s the problem. You understand.”-Jack Sparrow
I thought of that concept when I read your line,
“…and sometimes the main lesson in our writing is how we learned to cope.”
Thanks again for a great post.
That’s a great quote! Thank you so much for sharing, Phil. It’s so true.
I need to add that Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow in the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean” delivers that quote the best. I like to channel that image when challenged.
Also related to this post.
I just picked up, and am having trouble putting down, is a great how-to book, “Creative Calling” by Chase Jarvis. One of the things that makes it so great is he weaves his personal story throughout.
It really helps make it real and really powerful.
Thanks again for the inspiration.
Another book to add to my reading list. I’m feeling lucky today.
Thank you, Phil!
Henneke,
I do struggle with this as well. Making stories in my how to posts from time to time. It can be hard to reveal so much about ourselves online. But it definitely can make us more relatable and people love to relate to others in this world, especially online.
Thanks for all your tips here. They are really awesome 🙂
I agree with you that it can be hard. I’ve found that the more often I share something personal in my blog posts, the easier it becomes. Also, we can share something small. We don’t have to bare all—you can set your own boundaries about what to share and what not. For instance, I never write anything about my family.
Thank you for stopping by, Lisa! 🙂
This is so timely for me right now. It isn’t only writing it, but also speaking it so it comes alive and captivates the listener OR reader. Thank you for these vital tips.
That’s so true—the same applies to speaking. Thank you for sharing that, Bamboo.
You saved the best for last.
“The way to stand out is by being more personal, by weaving a thread of your own story into your tapestry of tips.”
This is generally my approach, but the ‘zoom out’ point gives me a nice visual.
Thank you!
And thank you for stopping by again, Jeff. I appreciate it, as always. 🙂
You do not even want to compete with THE BIG BLOGS. You just want to be you. True to yourself. The people who like your thoughts will stick. I actually think it is that simple.
Yes, I mostly agree. We can all co-exist and we’re in a market of one if we create a personal bond with our readers—when people want to work with us because they like us.
In some way, I do compete with the big blogs in terms of organic traffic (and it can get pretty scary when a A-list blog hires a new editor who specifically targets my top-performing blog posts as recently happened.) But I don’t let that affect the way I write.
Wow. Well, I guess I should compliment you on paying so much attention to SEO that you even notice 😉
I hate how everyone is gaming the system.
And what do you do in such a case? Do you strike back?
I only noticed by co-incidence as they’d published a post that seemed inspired by me and it surprised me but I thought I was just being overly sensitive. But then within a couple of months, they published two more posts about topics that I rank well for. To be clear, they’ve written their own posts. It’s not plagiarism and it’s a common SEO practice (that I don’t follow).
I haven’t done anything about. So far, my traffic to those three posts hasn’t been affected (it’s actually gone up rather than down). If I have time to start updating posts, I may prioritize these three. But otherwise, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. You can’t do everything.
No, you can’t. You won’t be so very easy to overtake, so may be not to worry.
You’re always on time for me Henneke. Two weeks ago I experienced a stroke. Fortunately, it was a small one but I have to change my ways or else. Every time I have a pain in my head, which is pretty constant these days, I think am I having another one. I’ve been wondering if I wrote about what’s happening I’ll stop freaking out. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
I’m so sorry to hear about your stroke and headaches. I can only try to imagine how much anxiety those headaches trigger. I’m sending you my best get well wishes. ?
Writing about anything that bothers me or triggers anxiety helps me to calm down and to explore ways to deal with it better. I hope it’ll help you, too.
I’d like to read about your experience and your feelings, Anita.
Yes, me, too!
Great tips here, deep-hearted.
Personal examples and stories that can help the reader are priceless. I like to know something about the author, you read one blog post first, then the second one, you know the person better, and he/she becomes your online friend.
Yes to all of that! I see my readers as my friends, too. Thank you, Michael 🙂
Wow…this is your best piece…ever!
You’ve had tons of useful tips in the past…but like you said…we’d rather have the human connection. And you gave us, well me, that connection.
It was masterful how you weaved information with a vulnerable personal story in this post.
Thanks,
Darin
Thank you for your generous compliment, Darin. I’m glad you enjoyed this piece! 🙂
Thanks Henneke for posting these tips. It’s always a pleasure to read your blog post and learn something new every time.
Thank you, Jasmeet. Happy storytelling!