*Sigh*
Sometimes, blogging feels futile.
When you started writing, it was easy to be enthusiastic.
But now?
You’d like to speak up and get heard. But you feel like you’re whispering in a world that’s too noisy, too crowded, too busy.
You’d like to reach out to people, warm their hearts, and guide them in this crazy world.
But somehow, along the way, your writing lost its soul.
Want to put your soul back into your writing? And reach out through your screen to touch your readers?
Start with yourself
If we want to write with kindness, we have to start with being friendly and helpful to ourselves.
In her book How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, Cynthia Kane recommends we start with listening to our self-talk:
1. Pay attention to your words and speech
2. Pay attention to your feelings
3. See yourself with friendly eyes
When I started to pay more attention to my self-talk, I noticed recurring themes. One narrative is that I’m not good enough to run my own business because I don’t possess an entrepreneurial gene. Another theme is that I’m incapable of taking care of my damaged body.
Once you recognize patterns in your self-criticism and sense the insecurity or fear behind it, you can change your narrative and view yourself with friendlier eyes. What would you tell a friend if she had the same thoughts and feelings as you? For instance …
“You might think you’re doing a bad job taking care of your body, but I know it’s not easy when you feel exhausted. You take breaks. You go for walks. You’ve cut your working hours and work virtually stress-free. You’re doing a lot of things right, and you keep getting better at practicing extreme self-care.”
When we stop criticizing ourselves, we can stop covering up our insecurities. We don’t have to pretend anymore we know more than we do. That’s the first step in becoming less judgmental and more compassionate to others, too.
How friendly are you to yourself?
(Note: If you struggle with negative self-talk, I highly recommend Kane’s book—it’s far more practical and down to earth than the title suggests.)
The ‘secret’ of getting into a positive mood
Writing online is tricky.
Because, let’s be honest, not all readers are nice.
No matter how generous you are, no matter how much you care, no matter how hard you try, you’ll always get critical emails or comments.
And if those comments stick in your mind and poison your thoughts, it’s hard to write with compassion.
So, before you start writing, avoid negative distractions—don’t read your email and don’t watch the news.
Then sit down and imagine one of your favorite readers: the reader who’s supportive and writes lovely comments, the reader who always tweets your posts, the reader who asks questions or who inspires you to keep writing. The reader you know you want to help.
Your favorite reader might not even exist. Can you imagine what he’d be like? Can you imagine he’s looking forward to reading your blog post? Can you imagine how grateful he is to receive your advice? Can you feel good about helping him?
Start writing with a generous mindset, and your kindness will shine through your voice.
Forget about authority
The standard advice for bloggers is to position yourself as an authority.
And it’s true that readers come to you for your expertise. But when we try too hard to be the expert, we create a distance with our readers. We put ourselves on a pedestal and risk talking down to our readers.
So, don’t write as an authority, but as a fellow human being with your own human flaws. Be honest. Don’t brag. Don’t exaggerate. And don’t belittle your readers.
Cynthia Kane starts her book with sharing her own story:
For many years I relied on others as a communication style. What I mean is I rarely expressed any of my needs or wants, thinking that others would just be able to pick up on them. I would pretend everything was fine, say yes when I really wanted to say no, or go along with what I knew others wanted to hear. Never expressing myself meant I was bubbling with passive-aggressive quips, all the time frustrated and reacting because my needs weren’t being met.
Kane doesn’t undermine, but strengthens her authority; and her compassion shines through. By showing her own vulnerability, she makes us feel comfortable with our own mistakes so we can learn.
In contrast, when we focus too much on authority, we risk making our readers feel inept or even scared to admit their mistakes. That might block their ability to learn.
Here’s an example paragraph from Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi:
Everything the body can do is potentially enjoyable. Yet many people ignore this capacity, and use their physical equipment as little as possible, leaving its ability to provide flow unexploited. When left undeveloped, the senses give us chaotic information: an untrained body moves in random and clumsy ways, an insensitive eye presents ugly or uninteresting sights, the unmusical ear mainly hears jarring noises, the coarse palate knows only insipid tastes.
The writer doesn’t address me, as the reader, directly because he writes about “many people.” But still … he makes me feel inept because I’m not always mindful and I haven’t fully developed my sensory capabilities. The writer sounds as an authority, but negativity and judgment seep through.
For a more compassionate tone, consider the inclusive “we”—the type of “we” showing we’re all in it together. Here’s an example from the book The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert:
When we get depressed, worried, or pre-occupied, we can withdraw from the world of the senses and from being fully ‘in the moment’ and instead become focused on our thoughts about tomorrow or yesterday or our feelings of heaviness or the butterflies and anxiety or dread.
Gilbert doesn’t judge us; he shows he understands why we’re not always mindful, so we don’t need to feel bad about it. He then addresses us directly, using the word “you,” to encourage us to be more mindful:
So while you’re out walking, direct your attention and notice the sky – keep your focus there. Notice its changing colour from the horizon to overhead, or the rushing of the clouds or their shapes or how the light catches different aspects of them.
Writing is tricky because we can’t see whom we’re writing for, we can’t see disappointment, anger or confusion on our reader’s face.
But we can try stepping into the shoes of our favorite reader—a real or imaginary reader. When you read content through their eyes, can you sense what they might think? Can you think of ways to make them feel less insecure and more positive?
Writing with compassion matters
Sometimes, it may feel easier to view the world in terms of experts and amateurs, good and bad, pro and anti, insiders and outsiders.
But when we view the world in binary choices, we miss the kaleidoscope of colors, shades, and differences. We miss the fascinating diversity and beauty of humankind. We might even forget each person is a fellow human being with their own fears and frustrations, their own dreams and wishes.
Instead of judging other’s opinions, let’s listen to where they’re coming from. Appreciate we all have different experiences coloring our views.
We might not think we can change the world.
But we can make tiny ripples.
So, let compassion guide your writing. Allow hope to shine through your content.
And offer a glimmer of light and love.
PS Thank you to Ray Khan for inspiring this post.
Recommended reading on an engaging writing style:
How to write conversationally
How punctuation influences your voice
How to write like a real human being
I liked how to use “we” when narrating and then change to “you” when talking individually. And not trying too hard to come across as the “expert.”
Yes! I think if we’re using both “you” and the inclusive “we,” our writing becomes more like a conversation with a good friend. It feels more welcoming, almost intimate.
Thank you for stopping by, Donna.
This is a timely article, Henneke! I don’t ever want to offend my readers or put myself on a pedestal and make them feel inferior. My negative thinking — who I am at that moment — can seep into my writing and do a lot of damage. I never want that. Writing is more than just words. Thanks for reminding me with your awesome content!
How we think about ourselves can influence our writing so much. It helps me to pay attention to my self-talk and then try to adopt the tone of a kind coach (or a good friend) towards myself.
I know you don’t want to offend your readers nor want to make them feel inferior! You’re starting from the right attitude.
Love your message of writing to touch others, Henneke. What occurs to me is that we don’t need to make waves to change the world. Thanks for amazing content!
Thank you, Barbara. I appreciate your comment. Happy writing!
Well, you did it to me again. I was just about to hit the sack when I noticed a new email from Henneke, so of course I clicked on the link, and now I’m on the third article. My eyes are burning and my forehead is pounding with sleepiness, but I can’t stop reading this great stuff. If I collapse from exhaustion, it’ll be your fault.
Love your stuff.
Oh no! I’m so sorry I’m keeping you awake. You do know my writing will wait for you until you have time to read, don’t you?
The other day I posted a comment on our business page, not paying attention to the fact it could be controversial. Some responders had an opposite viewpoint. Thank you Henneke for this content – I was prepared to listen, empathize, and thank them for their input. Some responses led to asking for suggestions on a different way to handle the concern. This one little post had more engagement than any other. I may not have pleased everyone and some may still feel I was wrong or didn’t care. However, I didn’t ignore the challenge.
It sounds like a difficult challenge that you met with grace!
Henneke,
Thank you for putting your finger on an important UACP (uncommonly acknowledged common problem). In business, we all *need* to sound authoritative, but many of we sensitive souls *yearn* to be kind and supportive toward our clients. For warm, compassionate people, we want the musical notes of our business communications to chime in harmony with the beautiful songs inside our hearts. When I worked as a lawyer I always struggled internally when I saw my bosses take a “too-authoritative” tone with clients. Many successful professionals struggle to strike the right balance in their tone – even after decades of experience. It’s one of those issues that’s invisible to most and blindingly painful to a select few. Thank you for uncovering some stepping stones we more empathetic types can use to help us find our own unique way to balance the warmth & authority in our voice. The business worlds need to hear OUR authentic voices, too!
And thank you for explaining the abbreviation UACP to me, Claire 🙂
I agree with you that only few of us seem to cringe when a tone becomes overly authoritative. But once you know how to mix warmth and authority, it’s actually not so hard to sound both professional and human, to sound like expert who cares.
Thank you for your lovely comment!
Excellent post as usual.
I read this one twice and think of it whole day.It delivered a powerful msg of compassion.
“But when we view the world in binary choices, we miss the kaleidoscope of colors, shades, and differences. We miss the fascinating diversity and beauty of humankind. We might even forget each person is a fellow human being with their own fears and frustrations, their own dreams, and wishes”.
These lines touched me and make me calmer.Thanks Henneke for showing a great perspective.You are a living Content Writing Institute. You amplify every topic so easily and seamlessly, within it I feel your compassion:)
Henneke,
I completely agree with this point, “don’t write as an authority, but as a fellow human being with your own human flaws. Be honest. Don’t brag. Don’t exaggerate. And don’t belittle your readers.”
I think many people, when they try to write as an authority, try to hide their failures and bad moments … thinking it makes them weak or damages their brand. That’s far from the case because some of the best blogs / sites, are so transparent with their writing — and their readers love it.
Wonderful post here with a great message.
– Andrew
I agree with you—when blogs are transparent and human, it’s far easier to connect and come back week after week.
Thank you for stopping by to comment, Andrew. I appreciate it!
Great points Henneke and right on the button, just sent my newsletter today (emails and conflict they might cause) and got an email from a previous client wondering if I was writing only to her (!…would that I had the time to do that!) because I thought she might be writing ‘inappropriate’ emails etc… so can def see the resonances for me in the contrast you made between ‘Flow’ extract and Kane’s more compassionate writing…, the need to be less ‘schoolmarmish’ in my approach and Katherine’s point above neatly captures the learning … about when to use ‘you’ and ‘we’ to best effect…
Thank you, Mary. I like your phrase “schoolmarmish.” 🙂
When your readers feel like you’ve written an email personally for them, then you’re addressing issues they’re struggling with. Sounds like you’re on the right track!
Thanks Henneke, yes, I was thinking that too… I must be hitting home with the messages!
This post was just what I needed. ‘Start with a generous mindset, and your kindness will shine through your voice.’ Love every word of this.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
Charlotte
Thank you for your lovely comment, Charlotte. I appreciate it.
Happy writing!
Once again, you hit the nail right on the head. I really needed to “hear” this. As always, thanks for the inspirational words! I’m dumbfounded anytime you mention that writing wasn’t always your strong suit; you’re a phenomenal writer.
It’s is true. I never thought of myself as a writer and have never had a secret ambition to write a novel. I only started writing seriously late 2011 and published my first guest post in April 2012. Enchanting Marketing didn’t start until November 2012.
Thank you for your lovely compliment, Storm!
This post will help me keep on track with my writing Henneke. One thing I am going to do that I have not been is to have a clear picture of my customer avatar in front of me when I write my blog posts. Being kind to one’s self, so one may be kind to others is easier said than done. Compassion goes a long way.
Yes, that’s so true. It isn’t easy to be kind to oneself, and I find it requires a continuous effort, but it’s worth it.
Thank you for inspiring this post, Ray!
Hi, Henneke!
I agree, both “you” and “we” must appear in our writing, instead of more impersonal terms. And from this great post, I think I’ve learned when to switch between them. I think I will try it out and see how it feels, how it works out. Basically, it makes sense to use “we” when describing the problem, to make it obvious that all people can make these mistakes; then use “you” when encouraging, to help the reader visualize self inside the encouraging picture we describe.
So: We are prone to forgetting the reader is a person. We preach, we hide our own faults, and we are just as hard on ourselves. However, if you imagine the reader as a personal friend, she becomes a pure interest you can reach out to, lending a hand and displaying true hope for her success, which is true to your original purpose, after all.
The other “take away” from this post, for me, is that, “Writing is tricky because we can’t see whom we’re writing for, we can’t see disappointment, anger or confusion on our reader’s face.” However, we can express even that. We can say, “I cannot read your mind, see your face, hear you groan or laugh! So write me! Tell me how this helps, or even how it doesn’t help! Help me help you!” Or something like that. I can imagine it now. I would certainly reply to such an appeal, honest, real, and from the heart.
Thanks for all you give, and for the pure truth in it, Henneke!
“if you imagine the reader as a personal friend, she becomes a pure interest you can reach out to, lending a hand and displaying true hope for her success, which is true to your original purpose, after all.”
This is such a great summary. Isn’t that what blogging is about?
I love your idea for an honest appeal to readers to say what they think and tell you how you can help!
“Writing is tricky because we can’t see whom we’re writing for, we can’t see disappointment, anger or confusion on our reader’s face.”
Henneke, this is why I find writing hard. Without seeing the body language and facial expressions of my reader, it’s hard for me to feel assured that my words will resonate.
I look at the picture of my reader persona as I’m writing and that helps somewhat.
I sometimes find it hard to step into a reader’s shoes when writing (as I’m too focused on trying to formulate my thoughts). I find it easier to distance myself from my writing, and evaluate how it might come across to someone else when I read it the next day, while editing. Reading aloud helps me, too.
For me, it’s also been a matter of practice. Over time, it’s become easier to pick up someone’s voice when I’m reading, and that also helps me evaluate my own tone in my content.
Love your message of writing to touch others, Henneke. What occurs to me is that we don’t need to make waves to change the world. Ripples are enough.
I find it easy to feel powerless, but when I can focus on making a tiny ripple, it makes me feel better. And a lot of tiny ripples will have to create some waves, right?
Henneke:
If only compassion could replace hate, we’d learn to be more open-minded all the way around, maybe. Interestingly, it probably starts within ourselves, and how we carry on a critical inner dialogue and then our attitudes filter to the world—and our writing work.
It’s hard. Our bodies betray us. Writing to make a ripple, if only tiny, is hard. And yet, we hope our inner light will shine out bright enough to be worthy. Worthy of who or what, I don’t know but still, at least for me, I try to be and stay positive. I try to do the best writing I can to offer something, anything, to make that tiny—and I hope positive—ripple!
Every week when you share a post, it makes me think more. About my writing. And about me, too, sometimes, like this week. Am I taking an authority attitude when I write? Do I talk too much about me? Am I finding the right words? Does a reader understand what I mean?
Do I bring something of value?
Thank you for making me think, and feel, and want to do better with each piece of work, Henneke! Thankful this thankful season:)) Sue-Ann
Replacing hate with compassion feels like an insurmountable task. I often feel powerless. But I do truly believe that we all can make our own tiny ripples and spread a little kindness in the world. If we all try hard enough, then it must make a difference 🙂
Feeling thankful for having you as a reader, too, Sue-Ann. I appreciate your lovely comment.
I so agree.
Aren’t I boring? 😉
Not as boring as I am 😉
Hehe!
You cannot love another person unless you first love yourself…can’t believe it applies to writing as well…I now know what to do with those voices in my head! Thank you
Yep, so true … “You cannot love another person unless you first love yourself…”
Thank you for your lovely comment, Ida. I appreciate it!
Henneke, you have lots of lovely readers. Just look at the comments you get after every post. 🙂
I believe like attracts like.
Could you imagine following Jeremy Paxman’s blog for years? Surely you’d lose the will to live. That’s one expert opinion I can live without on a regular basis.
Anyway. Thanks for taking away my self-doubts for the day. Now I can get on with editing my poxy attempts at writing. Have a great day.
Yes, you’re right. I always feel grateful for the lovely comments I get.
I sometimes get ugly-ish emails but I’ve learned to accept that quite often it has nothing to do with me. Someone is just in a bad mood and vents it on me.
Happy writing, Kerstin!
I think the only positive you can take away from the emails is that they are proof you are making ripples.
It seems the more compassionate people are the more they attract the haters. It’s sad, but you are far from unusual in that regards.
“One narrative is that I’m not good enough to run my own business because I don’t possess an entrepreneurial gene. Another theme is that I’m incapable of taking care of my damaged body.”
😀
Henneke, you and I have these two themes in common!
Sometimes, that “I’m designed to be a better employee than an entrepreneur” chimes through so determinedly, it’s very hard to get past.
Your example of acknowledging the self-talk and also pointing out to oneself the positive steps we *are* taking is really helpful. In the past I have tried to drown it out or just ignore it and neither of those has been a sustainable or helpful strategy so far.
Thank you!
P.S. I love the cartoon for this post. It’s a really excellent concept, I wish I had come up with it myself 🙂
Those themes must be in the air because I had those thoughts just the other day. ?
Hi Alison,
I went through a similar process – first ignore, then fight the doubts.
Now, I’m trying to accept that learning to live well is a lifelong process and requires a lot of practice. We don’t learn at school to take care of ourselves!
Thank you for your compliment on the cartoon 🙂
This is lovely. Thank you for sharing and the book recommendations! (Are you Dutch by any chance?)
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Cindy. And yep, you guessed right. I’m Dutch, but living in the UK. Great to “meet” you!
Using “you” versus “we” is something I struggle with and have had lots of conflicting advice about. This really clarifies for me how to choose between the two, based on tone/voice.
I love the phrase “tiny ripples”. It makes it very doable to create inspiration and change in small steps.
“You” and “we” both work and my feeling is that it works well to mix them up, so one paragraph could use “we” (for instance, to show that the reader is not alone struggling with something or making certain mistakes) and another paragraph could be you (for instance, when encouraging a reader to take action). Sometimes I also use “you and I” instead of “we,” but not too often.
The only time I can think of that “we” doesn’t work is when it’s clear it’s a one-person business and the About page is written as “we.”
I love the idea of making tiny ripples, I can visualize them spreading out 🙂