Do you hear that nagging voice, too?
That voice telling you that writing isn’t your thing? Or that you’re not made to run your own biz?
You might wonder why everyone else seems so professional and confident, while your life is full of doubts, flaws, mistakes, and imperfections.
You’re not alone.
Even high-achievers like Neil Gaiman, Sheryl Sandberg and Emma Watson suffer from this “impostor syndrome.” They feel they don’t deserve their achievements—as if they’ve just been lucky and might be found out as a fraud any time.
In an article for the Guardian newspaper, Oliver Burkeman argues only real fraudsters never feel like a fake. He quotes Bertrand Russell:
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Self-image is tricky
We tell ourselves stories about who we are and who we are not.
It’s a way to simplify our life and make sense of our world.
So, for instance, when I started my business, I didn’t see myself as an entrepreneur—those genes don’t run in the family. I thought entrepreneurs were more gung-ho, more salesy, and louder than me. They were go-getters, adrenaline-addicted risk-takers, not quiet workers.
So, I felt like a fake entrepreneur.
I ignored the facts I had an MBA and had been a company director for several years. I discounted the fact I had successfully lead sales and marketing teams. I didn’t like sales, so I felt like a fake. I didn’t fit my own interpretation of entrepreneurs.
Our self-image has a scary impact on our life. As Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, writes in her book “Emotional Agility:”
[N]umerous studies have shown that people who think poorly of themselves prefer interacting with individuals who also view them negatively. And it may astonish you to hear that people with low self-esteem tend to quit their jobs more often when their earnings increase over time. In their minds, it just doesn’t seem coherent to be appreciated and rewarded.
We view our world through the glasses we choose, whether they’re rose-tinted glasses or mirror-coated sunglasses preventing the light from shining through.
When I started blogging, I didn’t see myself as a writer
I thought real writers were tortured geniuses who write their masterworks through pain and despair. Writers are creative. They probably smoke, and drink too much. Their friends are writers and painters. And they write for hours and hours a day.
And me?
I didn’t think I was creative. I don’t smoke. I’m not a tortured genius. I didn’t have writer-friends (not at that time). I couldn’t write for hours and hours. No way.
The gap between my self-image and what I (mistakenly) thought of writers, was too large to bridge.
Some coaches advise us to call ourselves writers as if giving us the label of writer helps overcome procrastination, so we can write. I think the opposite might be true: if I’d have called myself a writer a few years ago, I would have felt like a fake even more. My anxiety would have skyrocketed, my writer’s block would have become unconquerable, and my business might have ended as a failure.
So, how did I become a writer?
I nurtured the habit to write, and I committed to publishing a blog post every week.
I didn’t consider whether I was a writer or not. I simply wrote.
After several years of consistent blogging and after writing three books, I’m finally okay with the label of writer. I don’t feel like a complete fake anymore, even though a voice sometimes still nags I’m not a real writer (hey inner critic, please be quiet, I’m writing).
Labels are destructive
We are contradictory beings.
For instance, I run my blog and courses professionally, but other parts of my business can be a mess. I can’t manage my inbox. If I need to think more than five minutes about replying to your email, your email might get stuck in my “Later” folder for weeks.
Last year, that “Later” folder became so overwhelming, I deleted almost all emails. Unanswered.
I feel embarrassed about this because it doesn’t match the professional image I like to portray; it makes me feel like a fake professional.
But I’m learning to accept my imperfections.
For over three years, I’ve been dealing with chronic pain; and it has made me think a lot about who I am and who I am not.
I like to see myself as an energetic and strong person, but I’ve become fragile and my energy is low. Physical exercise can make the inflammation in my body flare up. Even positive emotions like enthusiasm can make my body tailspin out of control, so I have to stay grounded and tiptoe through life. Recently I even had to give up meditating, because it made my psoas muscle so cranky, I couldn’t sleep anymore. Where has the strong Henneke gone?
Chronic illness teaches me about the complexities of life. I’m learning to embrace life as it comes each day. Full of contradictions.
I can be both fragile and strong.
I can be both ambitious and content with my life.
I can be an optimist and a worrier.
I can be both a professional and I can suck at certain parts of my business.
I can learn to laugh at my silly mistakes, my dilly-dallying and crazy self-doubts.
Life is too complicated for simple stories
I’m learning to soften my ideas about fakeness by changing the stories I tell myself.
Perhaps I don’t feel like a real writer, but I can write a blog post every week. I might not feel like a real entrepreneur, but I am running my own business.
Perhaps I feel fragile, but I am also strong because I will not give up and I am getting better. I might have become so wimpy I can’t even meditate, but I have been back on my bike and that’s worth a celebratory bottle of wine. (Yay!)
Enriching our lives doesn’t mean reaching for perfection
The opposite might be true.
We can live a fuller life by deepening our connections and discovering new experiences. With every new experience, failure lurks. But this failure helps us learn and live a fuller, more abundant life.
Embracing life’s opportunities starts with accepting our flaws and our imperfections.
So, let’s stop torturing ourselves about the mistakes we make. Let’s stop feeling embarrassed. Let’s get rid of shame.
Instead, let’s show up, do the work, and embrace the opportunities life offers us.
Recommended reading for anyone who feels like a fake:
An open letter to anyone who thinks their writing isn’t good enough
21 writing fears, and how I learned to dance with my doubts
How I learned to be me (finally, at 47 years old)
This made me ask questions about myself that I wouldn’t have otherwise thought about. Am I a fake ? What should I place value on? Does everything I think about have to be explained or labeled? Thank you for these reminders and tips. I’m so glad I read this and didn’t just go to bed with negative thoughts.
I’m glad you found this useful, Lerma. Those are some big questions to think about!
I was riding a train of self-loathing thoughts just when I came across this. I needed to read this today and maybe I’ll need to read this every few days. Thank you so much.
I’m glad you found this and that it helped you. You’re not alone!
Same with me. When I started blogging I didn’t even know how to write. But somehow managed to write but my content was not effective and informative. So I started reading all my favourite bloggers’ articles and learned a lot from them.
Sounds like you’re on a good learning journey, Sachin. Happy blogging!
A very motivating piece of content, so thank you!
I was an in-house copywriter up until recently and really felt like a fraud. How could possibly potential clients call when they saw the content I’ve written!? At times I really struggled with that feeling. And now I’m going on my own, starting an SEO agency. The feeling is pretty much the same.
I am really glad I came across your article, I thought it was only me who felt that way. Thank you once again!
Congrats with starting your own agency. That’s a major achievement!
Thank you for stopping by here, Boryana. I’m glad you found this post motivating.
Could relate so much to this post, Henneke. I am a JRA patient and getting weaker by the day, but in my mind I am still so energetic and enthusiastic about what I want to achieve in my career. But the low-energy levels hold me back and make me feel guilty for not doing enough. Learning to channelize my brain to just do what needs to be done, without thinking. Thanks for this post and good luck to you.
P.S. I’ve said this before, and I will say it again — I love your writing style.
I’m sorry to hear about your health problems. JRA sounds very challenging! Wishing you strength to deal with that. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you Henneke,
Wow. That really connected with me.
I’ve gone through that .. still do. I feel like I’m Never good enough. That all that I constantly have to prove is falling on deaf ears and failing. And at times, I wonder if I should just give up or continue.
I’m going to continue obviously and your words today in this post just adds motivation for me to continue on until I get to the point that I’m comfortable and happy. And not stressed and worried.
– Andrew
This feeling like a fake is surprisingly ubiquitous. It seems almost everyone recognizes the feeling.
So, don’t give up. You’re already more than good enough already. So, remind yourself of what you’re doing well already, and work on improving the bits you don’t like.
Happy writing!
I always get this feeling when I read a couple of articles to know more about the topic on which I am writing.
It’s really hard to be original (at least to yourself).
As long as you’re not plagiarizing (which I assume you aren’t), I wouldn’t worry about originality. Everything has been said already, but we haven’t heard it from you yet. Readers want to hear your advice in your words, with your examples and your experiences.
Henneke, this is beautiful. Thank you for your courage and strength in admitting you’re as real as they come.
I’ve been on a journey over the last three years – accepting myself more and judging myself less. I’ve found that as I simply love myself as I am, I can love others better too. It has had a great impact on my business.
I still ‘feel like a fake’ now and then though. I let thoughts about what other people want/prefer run away with me. It makes me shrink and play small – but less now than in years back.
By the way, I’m positively amazing at managing my eMail – if you ever wanna chat 😉 LOL!
Kelly, thank you for your lovely comment. It’s so good to read that so many of us are making similar journeys.
I’ve sort of decided to stop worrying about my inbox. I know the tricks for an inbox zero policy, but it’s just not a priority. I’d rather get my writing done than perfect my ability to reply to each email quickly. I just don’t have enough time!
Hello Henneke,
I used to think that I’m alone in this. Seriously, being an entrepreneur who makes money via writing and teaching others what you know can be quite discouraging sometimes.
Like you, many times, while looking at my blog and my articles, I will be having this feeling that I’m not worthy to say what I’m saying. I will be feeling as if I’m just deceiving myself and others.
However, the idea is to always believe in yourself and understand that you’re the best, understand that you can do anything, and do it perfectly.
It’s not, and will never be easy, but who cares? The fact is that we are good, and we can do it.
Thanks for sharing.
Yep, that’s so true – it’ll never be easy. But we just have to persevere!
Thank you for stopping by, Anil. I appreciate your comment.
I love your blog posts, it’s like you are reading my mind, I struggle with feeling a fake. I will re-read this post as it is a message I need to hear frequently. Thanks.
I’m glad this message came at the right time for you, Sue. You’re not the only one struggling with this!
Oh my god Henneke! You completely hit the nail on the head with this article.
I completely agree with everything that was said, and so often I find myself dealing with what you call, the imposter syndrome. Knowing that others also face the same problem (this makes me sound like a terrible person haha!) and that i’m not alone makes me feel a little bit more comforted!
Anyways, thank you Henneke for the amazing article. I’ve bookmarked it and will definitely be coming back to this in the future!
Hi George, You’re definitely not alone — look at all the comments here of other people who also feel like a fake sometimes. As Bertrand Russell suggested, feeling like a fake is part of being human!
The post was so connected to the real life that I got completely lost in it. It’s exactly what I have been feeling for all my life. But, things got a little bit clear for me after reading it.
I too wanna become a writer and it feels so hard to become a good English writer especially if it’s not your native language.
Thanks for the blog 🙂
I know it’s hard to write in a language that’s not your mother tongue. English isn’t my native language either. However, after using English as my main written language for quite a few years, I’ve now find it easier to write in English than in Dutch. (I rarely write and read Dutch, but I still talk it a lot.)
Thank you for stopping by Arun. Keep writing!
Hi Henneke
Firstly I want to thank you for your post today. Your open-ness and warmth has really touched me.
You are right about shame. I’m a Psychotherapist by profession and working with shame and the impostor syndrome became a regular thing with clients. Society works by shaming us into action or inaction (Buy this – don’t do that – etc.). Shame is looked upon (by us Gestalt therapists at least) as the master emotion.
The last part of your blog made me think of Arnold Beisser’s “Paradoxical Theory of Change”. Have you heard of this? In a nutshell it says that the more we stop actively being who we think we should be, then we will, by default, become who we really are. Stop trying and start being.
Finally you mentioned your chronic pain. Go gently, Henneke, and give yourself plenty of the warmth, love and kindness that you share with the rest of us through your blog.
With warmest wishes,
Chris Pilling
Hi Chris,
Your kind message touched me, too!
I’ve not heard of the Paradoxical Theory of Change, but it doesn’t surprise me. I’ve found it is similar with happiness. Happiness becomes elusive when I try to chase it. But when I stopped chasing happiness, I found myself more content, and happier. I think this is also why I have a strong aversion to the idea of “self-improvement.” It reinforces the idea we’re not good enough. It’s easier to explore new skills and new aspects of who we are, when we start from a point of self-acceptance.
Thank you, Chris, for your kind message. Your warmth shines through your words!
Hi Henneke,
Sorry to hear you’re suffering from chronic pain. Have you tried swimming? I hope you’ll recover soon.
I empathized with so many things in this post.
Labels and perceived images are tricky. I agree about the entrepreneur label. I always imagine a dashing Sir Richard Branson or Lord Sugar. Dynamic empire builders. And I’m not. Yet, like you, I started my own business.
And the writer label is difficult, too. Where do you draw the line between blogger, writer, and copywriter? It took me a while to use the label writer. I thought a writer had to be famous or an author – oh no, that’s another label. And I struggle with copywriter because I think of sales letters and direct response marketing. Urgh.
As always, thanks for sharing with us.
– David
Hi David
Yes, I also think of people like Sir Richard Branson as typical (or real) entrepreneurs; and I’m not into empire building at all. What I’ve found is that I feel much happier when creating content rather than managing people. It’s not that I don’t like people, I just feel more myself when I can create things (and tinker!).
I’ve tried swimming a couple of years ago as my first physiotherapist recommended it. Initially, it seemed to work, but it didn’t hold. The therapist I work with now, thinks swimming is risky and I’ve learned to trust his advice because he seems to understand much better what’s wrong with me (and how to solve it) than the first two therapists. I do love swimming, so I hope there’ll be an opportunity to try again soon. Perhaps at the end of the year.
Thank you for your well wishes and for stopping by, David. I appreciate it!
Dear Henneke
This was such an emotional read for me. For such a long time my writing was confined to notebooks and diaries that only I ever read.
My writing only became externalised relatively recently when a guest at a house party myself and my partner were hosting suggested I write about the food I had served that day. I felt a fraud, even with all those note books in storage that covered decades of experiences.
I had also started coaching some time ago and the indirect benefit was that I found I was reviewing my own motivations and fears as well.
Now, as my life is going through so many changes again, the writing is my constant and my refuge.
I still don’t see myself as a “true” writer, but I allow myself the label and smile when a compliment is made rather than shrink inside.
I think these feelings make us strive to be better and sometimes, for myself at least, it makes me feel worth it.
Thank again for your thoughts, it really touched me.
Richard
“Now, as my life is going through so many changes again, the writing is my constant and my refuge.”
This has been so true for me, too. Writing helps me feel alive — when I can still write, I feel there’s more right than wrong with me.
You know, there’s no such thing as “true writers” or “real writers.” It’s sometimes hard to accept as we tend to create a hierarchy of writers with the “true writers” at the top (for me these are the storytellers who write books). But no hierarchy exists–that’s what we make up. If you write, you write. That’s it. No difference between real writers and not-so-real writers.
Thank you for your warmhearted comment, Richard. I appreciate it.
Risking sounding like a pompous one, I’ve always written well, made good grades in English, snagged writing jobs with magazines, and won writing contests. Have taught for 25 years, with good results. Then suddenly, I find all my students dropping out of my classes and seemingly no one responding to my blog posts, although I do have quite a few visitors. What!!! And instantly–I feel like a fake, maybe I’m not good enough, etc., just as you said in this inspiring post.
I, too, am sorry you have such a struggle with pain. There are all sorts of pain, weaknesses, etc., and any one of them could be an excuse for one of us to stop doing the good we do. I’m glad you keep on. We’ll pound our way through, together. I won’t quit if you won’t. <3 K
It’s so easy to get our confidence knocked. A negative comment. A post that flops. A student we can’t get along with.
But look at what you have all achieved, Katharine. That’s seriously impressive!
Excuses make life boring, so please don’t quit. I won’t either! <3
Long time no talk my friend. I should have known that you haven’t been well. Please forgive me for being out of touch. Life has been so crazy over the last year with work, getting my girls adoption finalized and now working on their brother that I find I share your posts without even taking the time to read it first.
I would never do that on Facebook but you I trust enough to know that whatever you’ve written will be both impactful and helpful to your readers. I’m very glad that I took the time to read yesterday’s post. As always, you hit it out of the park.
Take care of yourself and God Bless…
Hi Anita,
Life is too busy, so I fully understand it when people are unable to keep up with my blog. I’m grateful when you have the chance to read and stop by, but I’d never take it for granted.
Wonderful news that the adoption of your girls is finalized. Take care of yourself and your family.
This is a beautiful post, Henneke. You will heal, in the end. Keep up your courage.
Thank you, Kitty. And yes, I will heal. I’m on the right track. It’s a long journey, but I won’t give up.
Here’s what I just put up on my wall:
I’m learning to embrace life as it comes each day. Full of contradictions.
I can be both fragile and strong.
I can be both ambitious and content with my life.
I can be an optimist and a worrier.
I can be both a professional and I can suck at certain parts of my business.
I can learn to laugh at my silly mistakes, my dilly-dallying and crazy self-doubts.
Life is too complicated for simple stories.
It’s me to a T! Thank you Henneke, your personal posts always strike a chord.
Thank you so much, Caroline. I’m glad this struck a chord with you.
I’ve found laughing at myself quite a healthy approach to life. I have to do it more!
This really needed to be said. I know it’s been said before on other sites and by other entrepreneurs and writers, but not by YOU.
I mostly struggle with the one part you mentioned about being ambitious but also content. When I tell people I don’t care if I don’t push myself to make x-much more this year with my business, they look at me like I’m crazy. But I know my limits (now), and if I push too hard, I lose sight of why I’m even doing what I’m doing, and I definitely lose sight of who I am, my health, my relationships, and more.
I’ve been building up a real aversion against goal-setting for business. Of course, we need to be responsible and make sure we make enough money to live our lives (and ideally, save a little for later). So, we can’t ignore our goals completely. But that doesn’t me we have to keep chasing bigger, better and more all the time.
I still find that hard sometimes as it seems to go so much against the dominant voices, but it’s okay to put our health and relationships first and keep our business running without setting crazy ambitious targets. Doing the same as last year is fine, too.
Thank you so much for stopping by, Bree. I appreciate your comment.
Hi Henneke. Whew. Chronic pain. That is a rough road. I wish I had something soothing to say that would make it somehow go away for all of us. The larger than life, overdrawn, celebrity driven world we live in makes us ordinaries seem, well like you said,”fake” in what we do. I take heart though. It is said that Jesus picked garden variety people to help him with his work. Three were ordinary fisherman. He himself was a carpenter. I guess he didn’t get the memo that only stars could contribute. So, in a cloud of self-doubt and hesitation I give it a shot. Usually, it is wearing until I’ve finished and something tells me,” It works. Risk sharing it.” I’m always glad you push the publish button on all that you do. Henneke. You are not only a writer. You are a writer with something to say! Grace and peace.
Yes, it’s a rough and undulating road, but it’s also enlightening and I’m learning a lot.
I love your point about “us ordinaries” being able to contribute, too; we don’t have to be celebrities. It aligns well with my idea of making tiny ripples. When all of us make tiny ripples, then the world becomes a better place.
Thank you so much for your comment, Curtis. As always, I appreciate your ideas and encouragement.
Henneke, apologies for this 3rd post! You really do need a LIKE button on here. So many fabulous comments.
Yes, I agree. I’d like to like each comment 🙂
Henneke, So sorry to hear that you’re dealing with pain, which makes you an even bigger hero (heroine?) in my book. A while ago now I realized that we spend our lives being ‘fakes’. It’s in our DNA. If we want to learn and grow we’ll continue to challenge ourselves. With challenge, comes fear, and the fake factor once again rears its ugly head. In NLP we talk about the 3 A’s. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. So once we become aware of, and accept it (whatever ‘it’ is) then we get to choose whether to take action on it. I love the fact that it becomes a choice, which then puts us back in control.
I’ve found that when I’m able to articulate my stress and write about it, I’m getting quite close to action already (or sometimes I’m taking action already). Writing really helps with awareness and acceptance. It’s quite therapeutic and it also helps when others comment and confirm to say I’m not alone. I’m so grateful for this supportive community.
I like the idea of fakeness being in our DNA and just accepting that’s the case and in spite of it just taking action. Thank you for adding that.
Love this article, it’s so good to know that we are not alone in feeling like fakes. I study nutrition and just started a food/ health blog and sometimes I feel like a fake nutrition person because I may not make healthy choices 24/7 Yet I give people advice. But after reading this I guess it’s not about wether you’re best at your field or that you make mistakes but that you strive for better everyday, appreciate and believe in yourself. So thank you for that 🙂
I think not being perfect makes you a better nutrition coach, because you can understand what your clients are struggling with! I’d be dead scared to work with a coach who was perfect 🙂
Thank you for your lovely comment, Ayesha. I appreciate it!
Your post is really inspiring. This makes me start my day in a real positive way. Thanks for helping me keep myself away from self-doubts and insecurities. Good job! I’m really excited for your future articles.
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Shan. Happy writing!
You. Are. Awesome. The hell with “fake it til you make it.” You are genuine, honest, and vulnerable. I love the way your writing has progressed into being more personal and reflective. Keep it up!
Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment, Eric. I hate the idea of “fake it til you make it.” I thought I was the only one who didn’t get it!
This post is one piercing one.
that inner critic! it has always seemed to triumph. like, I create a piece, instead of sharing and showing it, I don’t – all that floods my mind is “nah, it’s not good enough, people are doing better, your description is terrible, it is pointless, you could do better and until you do, keep it to yourself!”
even when others tells me that I’m good, I would still be like “nah, your just saying that, you don’t know what you’re saying…I’m not good at all- I’m not even close to being good”…
I guess it all still boils down to “the story we tell ourselves” and knowing that we’re not alone in it, goes a long way.
thank you for not holding back this post.
Have you invited your inner critic for a cup of tea yet? This may sound crazy, but it helped me a lot. I found she’s actually quite scared and trying to protect me, so I’ve learned to be kind to her and we can work much better together now (You can meet my inner critic and read the story here: https://www.enchantingmarketing.com/my-inner-critic/)
They often say we can be our own worst enemy. It’s time we became our own friends.
Thank you so much for your comment, Cynthia. I appreciate it.
Such a great and powerful post. The comments are a testament that we are all connected. For so long I felt so alone. I worked from home for a large corp company and nearly drank myself to death – 10 years and I had NO clue about the term “imposter’s syndrome”. It wasn’t until I was sober (about a year ago) that I heard a keynote on YouTube where it was mentioned. I hid for so long and thought I was so alone for so long… all along there were other humans that were also high performers but had low moments.
Life lessons 🙂
I believe you are right – so many of us are connected, as we’re wrestling with the same problems and doubts.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been feeling so alone. It sounds like you’ve found the strength to recover and re-connect. If ever you write your life story, please let me know!
Thank you very much, Henneke, for sharing this and everything else with us. You have taught me a lot.
Thank you, Sharon, for your lovely comment and for taking the time to stop by.
Hi Henneke,
It’s uncanny how your blog posts often address an issue that I’m wrestling with. I’ll explain.
I’m reading a book called, “Sell With a Story”. My exercise in the current chapter asks me to write about an instance where I made a difference in a client’s life. And I struggled to come up with something.
Imagine that. I’ve been working in my profession for over 43 years, am very good at what I do, and couldn’t come up with anything significant even though I know my clients love what I do for them. I asked myself why?
I think it’s because I fail to stop and celebrate the times when I’ve made a difference in someone’s life. Times when I’ve made a difference. So I push the memory deep inside the recesses of my mind and forget about it. It gets buried so deep that I have a hard time recalling it when I need a boost of confidence.
It’s the same with my writing. I’ve taken both of your writing courses. Yet I don’t consider myself good enough to write a blog post, so I avoid taking risks and starting my blog. I haven’t given myself permission to be a writer, despite you telling me in an email that “my writing was more than good enough already.” (Yes, I save those emails).
The only way I’ve been able to overcome my feelings of being a fake is to take action. It’s not easy. In fact it often scares the hell out of me.
But I’ve found that action is the enemy of fear.
“It’s uncanny how your blog posts often address an issue that I’m wrestling with.”
This is because we all have so much more in common than we think!
And I think you’re absolutely right about action. Action breeds courage. I am sure that you have many fab stories to share. If you can’t think of any, ask your favorite clients. They’ll help you out!
PS It sounds like an interesting book. You made me curious to check it out.
Bill, I felt a little’sad when I read your post. Hard to imagine the difference you’ve helped client’s make in their lives, without you celebrating your part in that. What would it take for you to write a post, publish it and sit back and feel it was a job well done? I for one would love to read it if you were to share it here with Henneke’s blessing. Henneke I do hope I’m not overstepping any boundaries here. I felt compelled to comment.
Joan,
Thanks for responding to my comment.
On December 24, 2016, I wrote a heartfelt post on my Facebook page about playing Santa Claus at a client’s school Christmas event. I titled it, “What Santa Claus Taught Me About Being…Me”. It was one of the most special evenings of my life.
It wasn’t hard for me to post this to my Facebook page as the only people who would read it were friends and family. Not much risk here.
But several weeks ago, I shared the post with my client. Their reactions overwhelmed me. One commented that he had tears running down his face as he read my post to his wife. Another said she read it twice before she went to bed that night and again in the morning when she woke up.
I poured all of myself into that post. It drained me emotionally and flowed out of me like water from a pitcher. My writing felt effortless. My client’s reaction proved that I connected to them with my words. And for one brief moment, I felt real and not fake. I had made a difference in their lives.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to drag on about this. I’ve always felt safe expressing myself to Henneke and her readers. Thanks for listening.
What a delightful story. I do hope that encourages you to share more. You see Bill, if you don’t share your writing with others you’ll be depriving them of that deep connection. Even if you can’t imagine that, it’s true. And you didn’t ‘drag on’ Bill, not for a second. Cheers.
What a beautiful story, Bill.
I also admire your courage to post on Facebook (now that would terrify me; hence I don’t have a Facebook account).
You write: “And for one brief moment, I felt real and not fake.” What can you do to find that feeling again?
Henneke,
For me, the answer to feeling real and not fake is now obvious. I need to write from my heart, put it out there, and not worry about the outcome.
There are 5 things that I have written that I am most proud of. The speeches I gave at each of my children’s weddings, the eulogy I gave at my father-in-law’s funeral, and my Santa Claus post. The words came from a place inside of me that I didn’t know existed, like a beautiful dream that you want to have again but can’t.
It’s clear that writing takes me to this amazing place where I feel real. And I need to visit it more often.
I love this conversation here, Bill. It sounds like you know what to do: write from your heart. Forget about writing for business, write what you really want to write.
I appreciate it when other people reply to comments as I don’t have all the answers; and others have often more meaningful contributions to make. So thank you, Joan.
An absolutely amazing post! Thank you.
Thank you, Todd.
Hi Henneke,
I love this post.
I agree that life is complicated. Not white and black as some people try to perceive it; there are lots of colours and shades in between. To feel content, we must accept imperfection and failure. Different sides of us. All of them. And change our stories sometimes to a happier, self-accepting ones.
Thank you again. This post is one of my favourites.
Yes, you’re so right: the world is a beautiful kaleidoscope of colors and shades. I can see that in others, but find it harder to see in myself!
Thank you for your lovely comment, Irina. I appreciate it!
That’s why it’s good to have family and friends. And other nice people around. They reflect back at us who we are, helping us to see the shades and forgotten/disowned parts. To see where we are great already and where we can grow. God bless them for that 🙂
Many teachers feel themselves to be a fake. One teacher I know says ‘As long as I stay one page ahead of the class, I can get away with it’ She is a very good maths teacher but petrified of being ‘found out’. Foreign language teachers in particular suffer. They dread being corrected by a kid who speaks the language at home. Henneke, do you regard yourself to be a fake as in ‘fake news’? It is only Mr Trump and his acolytes who say it is fake when the rest of the world knows it is probably not fake. As I do, do you feel a fake before making a presentation to a new client? What if they know more than me and I get rumbled? Matters/fears seem to settle down after the first question. I am sure that in those situations ‘feeling a fake’ makes you more cautious. Finally, many actors and stand up comedians feel fakes – this explains stage fright. So when new clients buy your proposals, or your kids get A stars, or the audience applauds or you sell loads of you books does the fake feeling go away until the next time. I think we all need to feel fakes – it sharpens our work. One group of people who do not feel fake are politicians – even when they lose they put a spin on it.
Ha, yes! When I started teaching how to write, I also felt like a fake because I was afraid I wouldn’t know the answers to all questions; and I didn’t think I had the right qualifications.
But when you gently push yourself out of your comfort zone, we all find we have a lot of knowledge, skills and experience to share.
Thank you for adding your thoughts, Chris. I appreciate it!
Oh my, Henneke, you did it again! Such a powerful post, so many insightful points in here and they all hit home. Without a single miss.
Thank you for sharing another glimpse into your life and the thoughts processes you’ve gone through, and especially what you’ve learned along the way.
I can certainly relate to this very contrasting pattern of contradictory emotional states and circumstances, so it’s encouraging to know (and most importantly re-affirm) that things do get better — when you learn to be more accepting and forgiving with yourself, and keep working on improving yourself.
This couldn’t have been more timely. But then again, all your posts somehow always seem to be coming right on time. Thank you!
Warmest wishes from Denmark 🙂
Yes, self-forgiveness is an important concept, too. I’m glad you mention that.
I’m less keen on the idea of improving myself (or “self-improvement”) because it implies we’re not good enough yet. I prefer to think we are all already good enough; and we can explore new skills and discover new aspects of ourselves.
Thank you so much for stopping by. I appreciate your comment and your kind words about this post, Rali!
Henneke,
This post rocks!
Thank you… it’s exactly what I needed today. First, about being an entrepreneur and then about being a writer.
Something has been holding me back, and only in the last couple of days I’ve started to think it may be the imposter syndrome. Honestly, I never thought it was the problem. But, with recent events and now armed with your post, I’m hoping to kick those somewhat stealth imposter feelings to the side.
I’m making progress on the writer front as well. I have not been able to say those words… “l am a writer.” However, couple of weeks ago I was at a conference in Phoenix. I was in a “safe” and open conversation with a conference mate and said, “In my heart of hearts, I am a writer.” Boom! I said it like I knew it and like I believed it. I thought, “Where did that come from?”
I can’t tell you how (gently) powerful your post is. I’ve saved it in my Evernote “All-Star” notebook and I’m going to share it with my entrepreneur writer friends. (Disclosure: I just created the All-Star notebook. I need to have a special place for those golden nuggets!)
Be gentle, but firm with yourself in your recovery. You will come out on the other side. Stay the course…
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Best,
Jeff
Wow, Jeff, thank you so much for your lovely compliment. I feel honored to be in your Evernote “All-Star” notebook.
And I’m happy to read you’ve already said it: “In my heart of hearts, I am a writer.” Yay!
“Be gentle but firm” is such a good way to describe the right attitude to recovery (as well as dealing with self-doubt!). Finding that balance isn’t always easy, but I know I’m on the right track. Thank you.
Happy writing!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I completely identify with you. Despite having two degrees in English and writing, I struggle to view myself as a legitimate writer. And having to move from print to online writing has added another layer of self-doubt that seems unshakable at times. I have to find a way to plow through the doubts and fears and “I’m not good enoughs” to write. I can’t tell you how many blog posts I’ve written but not published because they’re not good enough. Paralysis and procrastination and indecision have been my biggest problems. I want to break through those barriers once and for all.
I feel your pain, Jennifer. Breaking through those barriers of procrastination can feel tough. It is tough, and unfortunately, at college or university we’re rarely taught the life skills to deal with these barriers.
For understanding procrastination, I found the book “The Now Habit” by Neil Fiore useful. I also recommend the book about Emotional Agility by Susan David (as mentioned in this post).
What may also help is to look for the things you like in your writing rather than focusing on the aspects you don’t like so much yet. Don’t give up!
Henneke, this is a great post. I think having doubts tends to freeze us in our tracks. Mainly because we want to provide value to others, but don’t feel that what we have to offer is good enough.
Those that are fakers preach “Fake it until you make it”. I have always found this to be a very bad approach to life.
Thanks for sharing.
David
Thank you, David, for your kind words.
Like you, I also struggle with the idea of “Fake it until you make it.” That sounds so dishonest, doesn’t it? I think changing our narratives works better, so we can focus more on the things we do well already (and become more comfortable with expanding our horizons to try new things).
Henneke, I’m so glad you mention this.
Imposter syndrome makes me do crazy things. Every time I achieve something I can’t really enjoy it because I feel I haven’t deserved it. Worse still, I cut off communication to people that compliment me, because surely they must be insane.
Reading all the wonderful responses to your post I’m glad to find I’m not the only weird person in the world.
We’re all weird human beings, Kerstin! I might be even crazier than you 😉
Haha. We should put it to the test. If you’re ever in Cambridge give me a shout and I’ll take you punting. That’s what insane people do here in the summer.
That would be fun!
Thanks Henneke, I need to read more of these types of blog posts because most days I don’t feel good enough either. Even though I’ve been earning a living as a writer for two plus years. Strange isn’t it. Also interesting to me is that your first name is my last name.
Yes, I know–we’re all strange. I think we have to keep repeating those positive messages to ourselves … exactly like you write here: you have been earning a living as a writer for two plus years. So how can you not be good enough? At the end of each day, I try to remind myself of three things I’ve done well that day. It helps.
Amazing! Thanks for sharing, Henneke. You are fabulous at what you do and just reading this and the comments before mine inspires me to keep working at it, at my own pace, and with my convictions. My major takeaway from this is that no one has the complete rule book, we just make it up as we go so I had better not let anyone judge me or put me down.
Sorry about your pain, Henneke; I hope you recover fully very soon.
Cheers to your inspiring and insightful posts!
Thank you for your lovely compliment, Ini. I’m glad you find this post inspiring you to keep working at your own pace.
And yes, no one has the complete rulebook. We all feel like we’re stumbling around!
Henneke, I am not a writer but with every post you write, you have me thinking I might become one.
You write with such incredible beauty and wit and your message is so powerful .
I hope I can get people inspired and out of their cozy couches one day too and I really needed to thank you for making me want this.
Thanks so much for sharing this !
What a lovely comment, Elfin. Thank you. I hope that one day you pick up your pen, too, to inspire others with your stories!
Boy, you stroke a chord with this one, Henneke! And I don’t mean only myself but everybody else out there as well. Feeling like a fake is my permanent state, I guess 😀 I decided there is no way to eliminate this feeling completely, so I’m treating it as a chronic condition.
My remedy for this is the following: If I get this feeling “Oh my God, I can’t do this, I’m not a real copywriter / consultant!” I don’t try to block these feelings but just remind myself that this is how I ALWAYS feel, and that despite of this I ALWAYS get the job done.
So I’m basically treating myself as I treat my toddler when he proceeds nagging although I explained to him why he is not getting this or that: “Sure, sure, dear…”… and just doing my thing. 😀
I would of course prefer not to feel like a fake, but as you point out in your post, it’s actually a good thing, a side effect of being intelligent. So I guess we have to simply learn to live with that 🙂
And yes, putting labels on yourself is counterproductive. Who cares how what you are doing is called? Just do what you can, when you can, the way you can best.
Ha, yes! I also treat myself sometimes as a toddler (complete with “tantrums”).
It seems Oliver Burkeman was spot on when he suggested that almost everyone (apart from real fraudsters) feel like a fake sometimes. Interestingly, his suggestion for a “cure” was to talk more about it: “When people see those they respect struggling, or admitting they didn’t know everything when they started, it makes it easier to have realistic opinions of their own work.”
So, it’s good that we can all share our fakeness here 🙂
Thanks much Henneke, you are my inspiration.
Please do a check-up on your Thyroid.
Up to 5 years ago, I had had similar hyper and passive cycles. Then, quite by accident one might say, my Doctor recognized that my Thyroid was hyper.
Since that time, I’m like a brand new person.
The one hassle is the daily medication. When I skip like 3 or 4 months, the hyperness returns.
Your writings have turned me into a brand new writer too.
All thanks and kudos and respect to you.
God Bless and Be Bless
I’m sorry to hear about your Thyroid problems. I’d also find it a hassle to take daily medication!
I’ve got my Thyroid checked out last year (along with a host of other potential issues) and there weren’t any problems. It appears that some people are just hypersensitive and struggle to recover from traumatic injury (those are not my words; I don’t like to phrase my injury as traumatic!).
I appreciate your comment, Gregory. Thank you.
I was just thinking this morning about how when I feel overwhelmed I tend to just “stop”. My reaction feels childish and petulant to me at times, though that is hard to admit (especially to myself!)
I stop answering emails promptly, stop showing up certain places, stop… whatever.
And then of course, things pile up, other things slow down and the sense of overwhelm gets worse…
I’m slightly better than I used to be because now I tend to keep plodding, paring down the expectations of what must get done, but doing the things that I need to do to the best of my ability for the day.
Thanks for this post, I always appreciate your honest glimpses into the reality of your business.
I recognize how things pile up. And it makes me feel even worse and more ashamed of myself. What I’m trying to do is admit that I’m overwhelmed and struggling, and then figure out what the absolute essential things are I must do to stop things falling apart. I try to give myself permission to suck at certain things (like my inbox – in most cases, answering emails isn’t absolutely essential to me). Falling back on essentials (and figuring out what they are) is not always easy, but it helps.
And yes, I feel like I have to treat myself like a child sometimes, too, and coax myself gently into taking action.
I appreciate your comment, Alison!
“I recognize how things pile up. And it makes me feel even worse and more ashamed of myself.”
I recognise feeling ashamed, and it isn’t a great feeling.
But I like your description of coaxing yourself like a child — that’s a much kinder way to think of keeping myself going 🙂
All the best with the gradual road to healing. I’m glad you have the right diagnosis now!
Jeff (in another comment) suggested “be gentle, but firm” – I like that, too.
Thank you for your well wishes, Alison.
Self-image is such a fascinating topic, because we act in accordance to who we believe we are and it becomes a cycle of behaviours that reinforce our beliefs. Maya Angelou also made a comment about feeling like an imposter. So no matter what level of performance you get to, when you stretch, those doubts and fears tend to raise their ugly heads again. The skill is to learn to keep moving anyway. Thank you for your honest, inspiring posts!
Yes, so true: it’s a cycle of behaviors reinforcing beliefs. We remember selectively and focus on what fits the stories we tell ourselves. Why are human beings so complex? It is indeed fascinating.
I always appreciate your comments, Kathy. Thank you.
Thank you. This post is food for my brain
I will print this text and put it on my wall:
“We can live a fuller life by deepening our connections and discovering new experiences. With every new experience, failure lurks. But this failure helps us learn and live a fuller, more abundant life.
Embracing life’s opportunities starts with accepting our flaws and our imperfections.
So, let’s stop torturing ourselves about the mistakes we make. Let’s stop feeling embarrassed. Let’s get rid of shame.
Instead, let’s show up, do the work, and embrace the opportunities life offers us. “
Thank you, Jose. I appreciate your comment.
Hell yeah! Cheers to that. The timing of this post again is perfect as I’ve been receiving not only my self criticism but also exterior one (about to launch though). But as you mention, we either embrace our imperfections or we won’t be able to make progress. May we continue being strong and work in the best way possible 🙂
Your book looks fab (from the pictures I’ve seen). You can’t please everyone 🙂
I agree, you can’t please everyone. Virtually sharing a celebratory bottle of wine for hard working and progress, thanks for your encouraging words ?
??
stunning book virginia. st. dunstan in the east is my favourite getaway from london babble and bedlam.
Thanks Mark, there will be more places like St Dunstan ?
Thanks Henneke for introducing me to more people!
Henneke – I read your emails with interest and see you blooming over time – but this is the first time I write a comment. Just in case you have not already considered cutting out sugar, dairy and gluten for 6 weeks – and then slowly re-introducing one at a time (with 72 hours between re-introductions) to check your body’s response? Other culprits may be heavy metals or other environmental toxins. The Blood Sugar Solution by Mark Hyman could be a good introduction into this thinking if you have not already been down that road…
Thank you, Maddy. I’ve tried gluten-free and dairy-free; it made me feel worse. I’ve cut out sugar for over 6 months; I lost weight but it hasn’t reduced the inflammation (and if I try sugar again, the inflammation doesn’t flare up). I might try different diets, but my body’s hypersensitivity appears to be caused by the wrong physical therapy for 15 months (I didn’t get the right diagnosis after a car accident). I’m now getting the right treatment, but it requires a lot of patience! I appreciate your advice, and might still try other diets.
thank you
i’m not the best photographer but my first two photography books are the fastest selling books for my publisher
i’m not the most creative but in my past professional life i designed corporate events at the olympic games
i’m not a writer. no, i’m not a writer … but you are making me think i could
“… but my first two photography books are the fastest selling books for my publisher”
Wow, that’s amazing. Congrats!
And yes, you can become a writer, too. 🙂
thank you for the encouragement.
the important bit i neglected to share is :: a lot of work and clever thinking went into the two book’s success. 🙂
Mark, way to go! I am not a writer and I am not a photographer. But, I write and I take photos. So I guess that means I’m both? The writer in me resists this with all my will, but sometimes an innocent cliche is just right… you write a thousand words with each of your photographs. You *are* a writer. Photo on… Jeff
jeff, thank you for your interesting perspective.
there are many travel stories and experiences waiting to be shared. your encouragement is a greater help than you know. much appreciated.
Wow. What a post!
Firstly, I am so sorry you have chronic pain. I didn’t know this about you. It makes your writing even more admirable to me.
Thanks for sharing, because although I know I am good at what I do, all at one time a while ago, I had all my clients complaining about my writing. It shook me, because I spend so much time on making sure the work I do for clients is perfect, and I have seen the results of my efforts; that my articles get featured on the first page of Google. So at the time, I told myself I may be a great writer, but I will never be at the top of the game.
Now, this may be true, but for now, I am sticking with the fact that I am a great writer. Over and above this, I have not worked it all out in my head yet, but your openness came at the right time for me. Thank you.
This is so tricky with writing, because everyone has their own perception of what good writing is and what isn’t. No objective standard exists.
And quite often I’ve found clients to be quite wrong in what they thought good writing was (when they made changes that were either grammatically wrong or went against common copywriting advice, such as eliminating gobbledygook and being more specific).
It can be tough to deal with clients; I empathize with you!
Thanks so much for your response Henneke. What you say is true… 🙂
Powerful blog post. Thank you – you always inspire me.
Thank you, Sarah.
Quite similar to the Dunning-Kruger Effect
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect
It’s the opposite. The Dunning-Kruger effect is about low-ability individuals thinking they’re superior.
The feeling of being a fake is said to affect most of us (I’ve not found good figures); it makes us not recognize our skills and strengths.
And impostor syndrome mainly affects female high-achievers who think they’re a fraud or fake.
Hi, the description fits my wife. As a retired I now have time to really look at my wife in her struggle for a place in the workforce. She´s 61 and afraid that the younger guys and girls will run her down. This in spite of her position as the most skilled person and the one almost every colleague interview when in doubt on in lack of knowledge. I´ve heard her fellow colleagues state, as a fact, that without my wife the office would be in deep shit.
In my view, and others of course, she should be the head of the office.She´s employed in the local branch of the states Work and Health Department. And works her ass off. She´s so tired when home after 10 – 12 hours of work, that we can hardly have any sane conversation after dinner (made by me of course). I do the house. She often works on saturdays and I´m afraid of her health.
Age 73 I´ve started to write. No writer, but love to see the words black on white form sentences (norwegian).
Yours Ola
I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s struggles. Like her, I was also working insane hours in my corporate job. I think this workaholism may be related to feelings of insecurity, too.
In a way, I was lucky to get ill, because it forced me to take stock and change my lifestyle. I’m now more content with my life than when I was healthy.
I hope your wife can find a way to listen to her colleagues, too, and appreciate what she’s doing and cut down on her hours.
Jodie, Henneke is right – the Dunning-Kruger effect is the exact opposite of the theme conveyed in her article.
The take-away from the piece is “fake it, till you make it”